I've given credit when I can, but most of these are anonymous. Have any suggestions? Send them to KALowe@BSUVC.BSU.EDU May the Force be with You!
-Top Ten Reasons Anakin Skywalker went to the Dark Side-
10. Generous Dark Lords of the Sith pension plan.
9. Sick and tired of mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi spouting lines from "Bridge Over the River Kwai".
8. To escape cruel tormenting over dorky name.
7. To impress the babes.
6. Kicked in head by bantha.
5. Misunderstood name, thought "Dirk Side" was fan club for pretty-boy actor Dirk Benedict.
4. Charmed by Emperor Palpatine's seductive after-shave.
3. Wanted to use the Force to prop up Chrysler stock.
2. Owed money to Jabba the Hutt, could refinance debt through the Empire.
1. Wanted cool voice like James Earl Jones.
-Top Ten Scenes Cut from Orginal Star Wars Trilogy-
10. Controversial Chewbacca/C-3PO romance.
9. R2-D2's breakdancing scene on Hoth.
8. Seventeen-second belch issued by Admiral Ackbar during crucial briefing before Battle of Endor.
7. Entire subplot dealing with Jabba's marital problems.
6. Dirty word being spray-painted on wall of Imperial shield-generator by adolescent Ewoks.
5. Marlon Brando's uncredited cameo as Bail Organa.
4. Rejected ending for first movie in which all main characters die in Death Star garbage compactor.
3. Glowin' Greedo!
2. Potato asteroid explodes, flinging mashed spuds across viewscreen of the Millenium Falcon.
1. Product placement by Cream of Wheat.
-Top Ten Fun Things to Do on Tatooine-
10. Bantha races.
9. Racing landspeeders to the Dairy Queen and back.
8. Oil baths - droids only!
7. Taunting Jawas.
6. Find-the-charred-remains-of-your-foster-parents.
5. Sweatin' to the Oldies... and to everything else, for that matter!
4. Checking out the wretched hives of scum and villainy in Mos Eisley.
3. Bulls-eyeing womp rats in yoru T-16.
2. Fishing for Boba Fett's Helmet in the Sarlacc pit.
1. Pin-the-tail-on-Glowin'-Ben!
-Top Ten Rejected Star Wars Novels-
10. Luke opens a ranch devoted to the fine art of special effects and names it after himself.
9. The Courtship of Darth Vader
8. The adventures of Han Solo's accountant brother, Seymore.
7. The Complete Wookie Dictionary
6. Boba Fett: The Wacky Teen Years
5. An entire book devoted to all of the options that Anakin went through when designing scary Darth Vader costume.
4. Luke Who's Talking!
3. A three-volume set documenting the first offical crossover with the beloved Willow universe.
2. Biggs Darklighter: The Man and his Music
1. The Big Pop-Up Book of Rancors
-Top Ten Ways All Movies Would be Better if Patterned After Star Wars-
10. First James Bond movie would have been Grand Moff No.
9. Police Academy movies renamed Jedi Academy.
8. Due to union rules, a Wookie would have to be standing in the background of all outdoor scenes.
7. During Hollywood premieres, midget actors in fuzzy Ewok costumes would skip up and down the aisles, handing out Raisinets and malted milk balls.
6. VanDamme would be eaten by a giant space slug.
5. Imagine the drama when, at the end of Gone With the Wind, Rhett and Scarlett discover they are actually brother and sister!
4. Star Trek II would have featured exciting lines like, "Kiiiiiiiiirk!! I am your father!"
3. During entire eight years of his presidency, Reagan would have worn bright orange X-Wing pilot's outfit and helmet.
2. In first Batman film, Jack Nicholson would have delivered best Joker lines in fluent Huttese.
1. Lethal Weapon films would have starred Mel Gibson and Billy Dee Williams.
-Top Ten Surprises George Lucas has Planned for New Star Wars Trilogy-
10. Luke and Leia named after their mother's favorite talk show hosts.
9. When first hatched, baby rancors look almost exactly like Barney.
8. Let's just say that Anakin Skywalker was no looker even before he fell in the lava pit.
7. Luke and Leia's mother to be played by Shannon Dogherty.
6. By federal law, new theme music must be composed by Danny Elfman.
5. Clone Wars erupted after unethical scientists filled a tropical island with genetically engineered dinosaurs.
4. Part of young Obi-Wan Kenobi to be played by Jim Carrey.
3. We'll finally get to hear the lavish musical numbers cut from earlier films.
2. If you look closely during the last five minutes of the second film, you can see brand-new Millenium Falcon being sold to Lando Calrissian's uncle.
1. Many Bothans will die to bring us these films.
-Top Ten Packaged Foods in the Star Wars Universe-
10. Hutt n' Honey.
9. Lando "Lakes" Calrissian Butter.
8. Bits-O-Alderaan Cereal.
7. Bantha Biscuts (not a real big seller).
6. Kashyykburgers.
5. Kibbles n' Bothans.
4. Ham Salad in Carbonite.
3. Yoo-Hoo.
2. Jabba's Live Slimy Frog Things.
1. Chocolaty Palp-O-Tine.
-Top Ten Crappy Imperial Jobs-
10. AT-AT jockey.
9. Ewok Patrol, Forest Moon of Endor.
8. Cleaning the inside of Vader's helmet.
7. Emperor's manicurist - must wear asbestos gloves.
6. Valet job parking Star Destroyers.
5. Liason to Alderaan.
4. Garbage compactor monster wrangler.
3. Interrogation droid tester.
2. One of those little toaster droids that hum.
1. Death Star Firing Sequence Officer - also known as the Dorky Hat Patrol.
-Top Ten Crappy Rebel Jobs-
10. Guy stationed next to Cliff Claven.
9. Cleaning the bacta tank at Hoth Base Medical Station.
8. Combing the surface of Bespin, looking for Luke's hand.
7. Admiral Ackbar's personal masseuse.
6. Cleaning the tauntaun pens.
5. Mintoring Imperial broadcasts for any news about secret blends of herbs and spices.
4. Manually reloading the ion canons.
3. Chewbacca's ches coach.
2. Any job whatsoever if you're stuck with a stupid, degrading name like Porkins.
1. Bothan spy.
-Top Ten Signs that President Clinton is a Big Star Wars Fan-
10. Has requested cameo role in forthcoming Star Wars Christmas Special.
9. Very upset when he discovered that he could not appoint an ambassador to Dantooine.
8. Hopes to change US Constitution so that the President can dissolve the Senate and let regional governors have direct control over their territories, letting fear keep the local systems in line.
7. Almost has the hang of that choke people through telekinesis thing.
6. Suggested new hairstyle to Hillary: Big buns on sides of head.
5. Diverted almost 70% of Pentagon budget into secret project to build him a sail barge.
4. Embarrasses daughter by standing on White House balcony, extending gloved hand, and yelling, "Chelsea..... I am your father!"
3. Lip-synched last three addresses to Congress while James Earl Jones crouched behind podium and read speech.
2. More and more frequently refers to partisan attacks as Jedi mind tricks.
1. Has had words Air and One removed from presidential airplane.
-Top Ten Moments That Palpatine Wishes He'd Been There For- By Brendon J. Wahlberg, bwahlber+@pitt.edu
10. Snatching up Luke's lightsaber in the Wampa cave.
9. Flipping the tractor beam back on after Obi-Wan left.
8. Shoving Vader right off the Cloud City gantry after Luke.
7. Tying Luke's laces together before he leaped out over Sarlacc.
6. Stepping on Luke's fingers while he hung from the Cloud City weather vane.
5. Unhooking Luke and Leia's rope in the Death Star core shaft.
4. Cranking up the speed in the trash compactor.
3. Driving the AT-AT that almost stepped on Luke.
2. Showing Wicket what a real electric shock feels like.
1. "And now, Baby Ewok,... You will die!
